A Dead Dog, A Dying Planet

JW,

Now that Michael Vick has stymied both our predictions by signing in Philadelphia (Eagles fans: "The dogs had it coming to them"), let's take a moment to reflect on crime and punishment in America. Like many people, I've been shocked by the level of outrage surrounding Vick's misdeeds. Since his departure from Leavenworth, NFL teams have fallen all over themselves issuing statements of disinterest. Coming to terms with Vick, ESPN reported last night, the Eagles felt the need to secure the permission of both local animal rights activists (!) and the Philadelphia mayor (!!). Yes, Vick behaved very badly, but given some of the reaction to his conviction, release, and reinstatement, you would think he had killed an actual person.

In fact, recent history suggests that he would have fared better if he had. While several NFL players and recent retirees have at least tried to kill a guy, perhaps the best counterpoint to Vick is Donte Stallworth, whose DUI Manslaughter plea and one-year suspension from the league will almost certainly be followed by an open-armed return in 2010. If he's good enough, Stallworth will play again, and no one will think a thing about it. People, the NFL and the justice system inform us, are worth significantly less than dogs.

One of the problems, of course, is that humans don't have the powerful lobby that animals enjoy. What we've got, in fact, are a number of organizations lobbying against us: NARAL Pro-Choice, Planned Parenthood, and the Democratic Party. And, of course, the New York Times, which earlier this week released a headline I've been anticipating for years: "Having Children Brings High Carbon Impact." While the story itself reads like a parody of left-wing secularism, it's the reader comments that truly quicken the soul:

Susan: "Instead of offering incentives to have more children, we should offer incentives to NOT have more children."

Kinnakeet: "Once again, people intelligent and literate enough to grasp the importance of [global warming] limit their reproduction."

Akira: "I get so tired of seeing children in Africa, or even in my own Queens nabe (sic), who are born into already less-than-favorable situations, when this all could have been avoided with a simple condom."

Goodness! Given these comments, it's no wonder that Vick is reviled while Stallworth is immediately forgiven. After all, Stallworth helped control the population. Bro is green! I've said it for years: The ultimate liberal fantasy is the suicide of the human race followed by the return of earth to the animals. Seriously, check out the History Channel program Life After People. It's left-wing porn.

-GM

GM,

I was wondering when you were going to bring up that Times piece, but I had no idea you'd manage to tie it in with Michael Vick. I'm not particularly troubled by either ruling, Vick's or Stallworth's. Vick ran an illegal ring for years that, through his own recklessness (I won't say "malice"), resulted in the suffering of many animals. Stallworth made one mistake that had a horrible consequence, but I'm sure he gave the victim's family a handsome sum of money, plus there's the whole issue of his infraction occurring in Florida, which seems to be much more criminal-friendly than Georgia or Virginia.

The moral of the story in the Times is the most ironic I've seen in a while. The environmentalist position was always more forgivable than other left-wing institutions such as diet socialism, abortion made easy, and "equal opportunity" employment. After all, "Leave a healthy planet to the next generation" is a pretty good message--one I can't argue with. But now, "Leave a healthy planet to the next generation by reducing the size of the next generation" just isn't quite as catchy.

I can just imagine the liberal convention where they brainstormed this concept. Bono, the Dixie Chicks, Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, Al Gore, and New York Times editor Bill Keller engage in a round-table discussion. Gore: All right, folks, we seem to be winning these days. Let's bring in our anti-religion consultant, who has a fabulous idea.

Enter Bill Maher

Maher: Thank you, everyone. You know what I can't stand? Responsible, diligent, devout Catholics who have multiple children with similar values and send them to great private schools so that they can also be successful. I'm not crazy about welfare babies either, but at least their conception is strategical and not religiously motivated. How can we convince educated people to stop having children even if they can afford to?

And so it began. I'm sure human reproduction does, in some way, increase the species' carbon footprint, but damn... isn't the preservation of mankind something we can all agree on?!

-JW