AFC East Preview: Coke Money in the Bank

GM,

I, for one, have never been so excited about an upcoming NFL season in which my team will definitely not make the playoffs. I'm going to gamble relentlessly. I'm going to frequent that site you introduced me to that allows you to watch any live game for free. I love my fantasy team, which is also tied into gambling. I have some legitimate hope that Tom Brady will never be the same. I get to cling to my youth a little more by watching Brett Favre play in the NFC North. Finally, I'll be faithfully watching Terrell Owens play with the worst starting quarterback in pro football. Life is good. Time for a preview--the first of many.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills: Meet Trent Edwards. He's not what you'd call an NFL-caliber quarterback. Meet Terrell Owens. He's not what you'd call a stable individual. How much more can I say? This should be interesting. T.O. has made every quarterback he's played with look good, at least for a while. If Edwards goes to the Pro Bowl, I'm willing to label Owens the greatest receiver of all time. Side story: I recently met a guy from T.O.'s hometown of Alexander City, Ala. He said nobody there likes him either.

Miami Dolphins: There was really no reason the Dolphins should have won 11 games last year except for an amazingly easy schedule. They played the AFC West and the NFC West, plus they got the Patriots in Matt Cassell's second start and managed to clinch the division against a free-falling Jets team in Week 17. Now, these are my Dolphins, so I'm not about to bet the under on the seven-game win total that Vegas predicts. Let's just say I wouldn't encourage anyone to bet the over, though.

New York Jets: New coach. New quarterback. Old running back. Old story. These Jets will lose twice to the Patriots, once to each of the other divisional opponents, and six times to the rest of the league--assuming they overachieve.

New England Patriots: Replace one system quarterback with another, and your team should be just fine. This team is an obvious lock. I know, I know. After Cassell put up better numbers in his first year as a starter than Tom Brady put up in his, everyone started panicking when they decided to trade him. "Oh no! What are we going to do without our franchise QB?! He was amazing last year!" Don't worry, folks. It's called a system. This Brady guy, whoever he is, should also be able to succeed in it.

-JW

JW,

A recent study found that 90% of American money has been rolled up and used to snort cocaine. What does this have to do with the AFC East, you ask? Well, let's just say that if the New England Patriots represent the American drug trade, then Buffalo, Miami, and New York represent the war on drugs. Yes, the Bills, Fins, and Jets may occasionally annoy the Patriots, but they're not stopping them. Frankly, they're not coming close.

To that drug metaphor, let me add this one. Considering the fact that not only ones and fives but hundreds have been used to do coke, according to the above story, we're clearly living in a world of haves and have nots. With that in mind, here's my "Coke-Snorting AFC East Preview" (all rights reserved):

The One Hundred Dollar Bill Coke Snorter

The New England Patriots, whose "system" has resulted in one of the most successful runs in the history of professional football. Sure, Brady may take a step back this year, but it's a Montana to Young step, nothing more. I mean, check out the guy's schedule! Other than Peyton Manning in week ten and Drew Brees in week twelve, he'd be the best quarterback on the field every time out if he were Damon Huard! Talk about a rogues' gallery. Honestly, I haven't seen a collection of losers this pitiful since the 2000-2007 Miami Dolphins.

Speaking of which . . .

The Twenty Dollar Bill Coke Snorter

The Dolphins aren't going to make the playoffs this year, but they're not going to be terrible, either. In fact, I'm pencilling them in for 8-8 for the rest of my life. As you know, I blame the Dolphins for introducing the term "wildcat" into what was until then a pretty good life for me. Now? I've decided that hell consists of a never-ending sound-loop of "Brett Favre" and "wildcat" repeated over and over in Ron Jaworski's voice. In all seriousness, look for Pennington to have another underrated season, followed by Bill Parcells jettisoning him for the freshly-available Alex Smith. And then look for the pieces of your exploded head.

The Five Dollar Bill Coke Snorter

The Buffalo Bills, though only because Terrell Owens' corpse is more liability than blessing at this point. I like this team a lot, but I'll sum up my feelings about Owens' remaining football abilities by saying this: If a fire has you trapped in an upstairs room and Terrell Owens invites you to toss down your baby, DO NOT TOSS HIM THE BABY.

The One Dollar Bill Coke Snorter

The New York Jets, though only because you can't snort coke through a fifty-cent piece. Wow, this team is going to be terrible. I've got the DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket this season, and if the Jets make an appearance in my home, feel free to kill me. I'll watch the Russian ballet first.

-GM