Monday Football Roundup: Smarter Than the Armchair Quarterbacks Y'all Are Used To

GM,

My emotion toward the possibility that all hell will break loose come bowl season in college football is nothing short of pure lust. Every year, I try to determine the scenario that would most likely make the college football presidents shout, "To hell with our obstinacy; we need a playoff!" Look, I don't want to go entirely into my well-polished rant about why a playoff is not only fairer but also more financially sensible. Let's just say that anyone who doesn't understand that a playoff or "plus-one system" (read: short playoff) would add to the number of meaningful games--even regular-season games (!)--shouldn't be reading this blog, talking about football, working in a non-sweatshop, or breathing the same sweet, free, American air that I breathe. Eight teams. Three weekends. Seven glorious, meaningful games between powerhouses. More ad revenue. More ticket revenue. Keep the bowls, and don't pretend like they've been devalued.

That said, I'm currently salivating over the thought of a Boise State/Brigham Young national championship, which might make some powerful people see things my way for the first time.

Now for some reactions to the Saturday (or, as it was pronounced where I'm from, "Sairdee") scoreboard...

USC 18, Ohio State 15: Does this mean USC's only seven points better than Navy?

Houston 45, Oklahoma State 35: College football parity strikes again, proving my point further. Are we sure Utah couldn't have beaten Florida last year?

Notre Dame 34, Michigan 38: I knew Michigan would win this game like I knew USC would cover -7, so why'd I only bet on USC? Notre Dame, you're an embarrassment to tradition, and those who continue to rate you highly are an embarrassment to youth and impartiality.

UCLA 19, Tennessee 15: How far the Vols have fallen. Even Vegas has caught on. Florida is giving 28.5 points this week.

-JW

JW,

On the scale of who should decide championships if the athletes themselves aren't allowed to do so, I've got the refs ranked slightly higher than sports journalists. That's why, while I watch and will occasionally complain about college football, my heart belongs to the professionals. Even though I was happy to read your college playoff rant (which, happily, nodded to the seldom-mentioned fact that bowl games are impossible to further devalue), I'll be talking about the big boys today.

I've been thinking over the last few days about how we might set ourselves apart from the dozens of Power Rankings that crop up after NFL Sundays and Mondays. My solution? "Flower" Rankings--a tiered sorting of teams based on their unwillingness to engage in violence of any sort. The delicate fellows atop my list often refuse to hit at all, composing defensive schemes reminiscent of the crowd during Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem. Detroit and Carolina lead the pack right now, but I fully expect Buffalo to shoot up the list early this evening, and Oakland, as you know, can never be counted out.

Or what about "Cower" Rankings, dedicated to those teams that have decided not to stray from the safety of their own territory. The St. Louis Rams, for example, haven't crossed the fifty-yard line since Super Bowl XXXVI, and their bulletin board goals for the week now include successfully boarding the team plane. Kansas City has a few scores to its name, I'm happy to say, but the last time they marched the full length of the field, Missouri was celebrating a newly-won statehood.

For particularly rank coaching decisions, I'm creating a "Sour" Rankings, and leading this field is Lovie Smith. I understand, of course, that asking highly-paid, professional game-managers to understand the nuances of scoring and time is a stretch, but Smith's third-quarter decision to kick an extra point and settle for a one-point deficit instead of going for two in a clear defensive battle was one for the ages. It didn't end up mattering, and no one will talk about it, but if your coach's logic includes any variant on "It's too early to worry about tying the game," you're probably in for a long season.

-GM