AFC North Preview: Big Ben! (and 211 other guys)

GM,

If ever a division should be identified by its quarterbacks, it's the AFC North this year. Four youngsters with four distinct stories and pedigrees will try to guide their respective teams to the glory of a 10-6, division-winning season. Come mid-season, these signal callers will be writing letters home all the way from an AFC West city.

Mom,

Can't wait to come home for Thanksgiving. Oakland is rough, and I'm ready to get back to the Midwest, where my passer rating still exceeds the temperature. The 2-7 start was bad enough, but losing to the Raiders tomorrow will embarrass me to no end. I can hear Chad tweeting, and we're not even roommates! Kiss my Heisman for me.

Carson (Nov. 21)


Mom,

I got to meet Brett Favre last week! Don't worry; we'll do better against the Broncos tomorrow. Braylon's seven Week-1 drops mean he's due for a big game! With Denver's defense, I should be able to keep my job until next week. If I get cut, Jamal said he's willing to place the drug orders as long as I get the business. I'm in good hands.

Brady (Sept. 19)


Mom,

For the last time, I did pay the hush money! She had no right to go to the authorities! Don't put the rings on ebay just yet.

Benjamin (Nov. 21)


Dad,

Can I borrow your tweezers? Ed and Ray are giving me more s--t about the uni-brow. Johnny Damon grows his beard out for an entire season, and they expect me to have two distinct eyebrows in January?! I'm not allowed to play against Oakland tomorrow. Who would have thought we'd have clinched with a week to spare?! Can't wait to host the wildcard team that has two more wins than us!

Joe (Jan. 2)


-JW

JW,

Here, presented as they occurred, are the thoughts that came to me as I pondered this season's AFC North:

Omar Epps, Big Ben, Flacco will suck, Big Ben, Cleveland will suck, Ray Lewis killed a guy, Ray Lewis will suck, Big Ben, Cincinnati shouldn't have a team, Cincinnati will suck, Big Ben.

As you can see, I'm quite excited. Also, the phrase "Big Ben" has been uttered a lot on football broadcasts. But that's a complaint for another day.

Today, I'm happy to complain about the fact that you have the Ravens winning the division at 10-6. After all, doesn't Pittsburgh get some benefit of the doubt for going 12-4 last year, winning the Super Bowl, and bringing everyone back? I know they're one of those annoying, San Antonio Spurs-style everything-done-right franchises, but isn't that the point? Can't we pencil them in for a boring division win now?

Personally, I'm more intrigued by the possibility of Cleveland and Cincinnati joining forces with the Big Ten's BCS chances to put the final nail in the state of Ohio's football coffin. We're unlikely to see more than four combined wins for the Browns and Bengals this season, and given the fact that neighboring Pennsylvania is in many ways the epicenter of the NFL universe right now, I'm anticipating some mass suicides in the Buckeye State.

My other prediction is a #2 seed for the Steelers going into the playoffs and a narrow wild card miss for the Ravens. And good riddance. After last year's travesty of a win over the Titans, I'm ready for this team to go away for a while.

-GM