A Return to Vicksburg

GM,

Positively nothing gets me giddier about sports than NFL drama. A friend called me the morning the Terrell Owens “suicide attempt” story broke, and I was so overwhelmed with exhilaration that I could only squeak out four words: “I’m not working today.” I’m not saying I like it when Junior Seau makes borderline racist comments about LaDainian Tomlinson, when Bill Belichick cheats, when Plaxico Burress shoots himself, or when Brett Favre agonizes over the retirement decision for months on end, but I am saying these things make the world’s greatest league and sport that much better.

And as long as my team isn’t the victim of bad quarterback play—don’t worry; it has been… go Dolphins—I really enjoy the controversy it can deliver. This brings us to what should have been the lead: Michael Vick. No need to go into the history of why he’s been on the shelf, except to remind you that it’s almost been a thousand days since he last took a snap! And even then, his contribution to his team was questionable at best, harmful at worst. ESPN’s Sean Salisbury once insisted that Vick would eventually throw for 4,000 yards and run for 1,000 yards in the same season. This is just to remind you of the outrageous hype that surrounded Vick before the dog-fighting stuff broke. He was Superman to those who wanted to believe, the NFL’s version of Allen Iverson to those who knew better. And now, I get to sit back and watch as a few quarterback-desperate teams who don’t know better vie for the formerly highest-paid player in the game.

My top-four runners up are the Raiders, Jets, 49ers, and Buccaneers. These guys could use somebody. Unfortunately, while we would all squeal uncontrollably if Vick went to the Raiders, it won’t happen, as Al Davis considers JaMarcus Russell a franchise QB. The Jets seem to be content—not necessarily happy—with Kellen Clemens. I don’t think Mike Singletary has the patience for someone like Vick. As for the Bucs, I couldn’t tell you their head coach or QB situation with a gun to my head, so I’ll assume that’s a possibility. But there’s only one place that Michael Vick must end up: Buffalo.

Buffalo, New York! “They have football there?!” I assume some guys have been saying that because Trent Edwards keeps talking about how the media are actually covering the team now. Edwards, who won the title for “Worst QB Performance Ever Without Getting Benched” on a Monday night against Cleveland last year, will already have to deal with the aforementioned T.O. And I don’t have any particular disdain for Edwards—he really is terrible, though—but I doubt I’d be the only one praying that Vick and Owens wind up on the field together. “Abandon the running game early because you want to, late because you have to. It’s the V.T.O. Show, fellas.” It’ll look something like this when done correctly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVh0n03DnjQ. The rest of the highlights will come from the locker room and sidelines. I can’t wait.

-JW

JW,

You're right, of course, about Buffalo, though for comedic value, O-Town can't be beat. Just imagine the Moss jersey's urban appeal and multiply it by a million. Forget the mean streets of East Oakland. Gangstas will be wearing this s--t to the electric chair!

I'm surprised, by the way, that you neglected to mention T.O. rolling out the red carpet for Vick earlier this week, an overture that must have coincided with his realization that Trent Edwards is indeed his quarterback. Put yourself in 81's place for a moment and you'll see where this is going. Edwards' wild lobs could potentially be caught by a T.O. still in his prime, but nobody's catching Vick's bounce passes, and Owens knows that blame will be handed out accordingly.

See, that's the thing about the invention of the forward pass. A damnable nuisance, to be sure, it tends to limit those players whose throwing motion propels the ball downward. As things stand, T.O. likes to complain when he doesn't get enough touches. How's he going to feel when no one gets touches? Except for Vick, of course. And the turf. And the other team's safeties.

As far as I'm concerned, now is the time for Roger Goodell to declare that a Vick/Owens pairing is outside the best interest of the league. We're making up the story, for heaven's sake, and I'm already sick of hearing about it! Furthermore, why waste Vick on a washed-up brat like Owens when a washed-up fellow criminal like Marvin Harrison is just waiting for the opportunity?

Can't you just see it? Vick slinging rocks to Harrison as a tearful Tony Dungy looks on from the sideline and fans cower in their seats? Let's make it happen!

By the way, I'd forgotten about the Vick/Owens commercial, so thanks for the link. I wonder, does Vick's jersey really light up when he's about to throw a reckless pass? If so, can we use that information for gambling purposes?

-GM