AFC West Preview: Where Losing Is An Affirmative Action

JW,

As you know, I've inexplicably been a Kansas City Chiefs fan for a more than a decade now. (If you're interested in 13-3 teams that go nowhere, I'm your guy.) That's why it gives me so much pain to introduce this season's AFC West, a division whose outlook grows worse with each passing day. From the gentle plains of western Missouri to the gangland shootings of the east bay, the AFC West has it all: suspensions of indeterminate length, three-interception preseason games, bad draft strategy, and perhaps the worst coach in the history of Super Bowl contenders. It's gotten so bad that I wouldn't be surprised to see the Seattle Seahawks take the division.

It was the Chiefs, you may remember, who were getting some buzz as breakout contenders as recently as a few weeks ago. With the Cassel trade, the emergence of Dwayne Bowe, and the summary dismissal of Herm Edwards (now playing golf and the New Jersey lottery to win the game), the Chiefs looked ready to surprise. Sadly, Cassel's hurt already, and it's only a matter of time before Brodie Croyle accidentally bludgeons himself to death with a clipboard. Tyler Thigpen, lace up those boots. Kansas City, get ready for 5-11.

Denver, too, is in something of a shambles. I don't know about you, but I wake up every morning secure in the hope that if Kyle Orton can start for an NFL team, I can probably avoid homelessness and destitution for a few more weeks. And speaking of coaches, there's a word for guys who run Pro Bowl quarterbacks out of town, suspend #1 receivers, and proceed to go 2-14. The word is fired.

Further south and west, the Oakland Raiders continue to operate the NFL's version of the Island of Misfit Toys, with Al Davis playing the part of King Moonracer and Tom Cable in for one more season as Charlie-In-The-Box. When you think about it, it's something of a miracle that Davis operates a franchise in the most lucrative sports league in America. Considering that he's looked like the Cryptkeeper for almost twenty years now, it's clear that supernatural forces are at work.

Which leaves us with San Diego, whose inevitable postseason implosion should have its own theme song and television channel. Happily, it will have its own gambling line. I'm getting rich just thinking about it.

-GM

GM,

I've been waiting my whole football-watching life for the NFL to reform its playoff seeding. I've seen 11-5 Pittsburgh host 12-4 Denver (1997), 10-6 New England host 12-4 Jacksonville (2005), and, most recently (and most despicably), 8-8 San Diego host 12-4 Indianapolis last year! Let me get this straight. You outperform a conference foe--while playing a tougher divisional schedule--and you have to go to their place?! This is willful unfairness on the part of the NFL, and there's no justification for it whatsoever. I can understand the attractiveness of the perfect symmetry brought on by an eight-division league (rearranged as such in 2002), and it certainly motivates some mediocre teams to actually try late in the season (assuming their divisions are lousy), but must we pretend that piss-poor playoff teams deserve to host a game?! It's a form of affirmative action, I tell you, and this year's AFC West winner will be the black, disabled, lesbian worker who happens to be the best in her super-protected class.

Don't get me wrong, though. This lucky lady certainly has some talent. She might even have 13-win talent, but my principles are offended that she'll only need to utilize half of her potential to get the job! If the Chargers so much as suit up for their six divisional games, they'll go 6-0 in the West and hold all tiebreakers over the Broncos, Chiefs, and Raiders. Do you see any of those teams winning seven games?!?! Of course not. This means a 6-10 San Diego team would host a playoff game! The possibility alone should cause reform! If San Diego doesn't clinch the division by Week 12--its last divisional game--Norv should be fired, LT should be traded, and Shawne Merriman should start another cycle.

As for the other teams' chances of winning the division, I think they're about as good as the Lions' starting guards winning co-MVPs.

-JW