Perverse Entertainment

JW,

On January 6th, 2007, my beloved Kansas City Chiefs played the Indianapolis Colts for forty-one playoff minutes before making a first down. Their final line? Forty-four rushing yards, seven first downs, and 126 yards of total offense against a defense for whom "porous" would have been a compliment. I'm bringing this up to let you know that I thought I'd seen everything as far as football incompetence is concerned. The Chiefs snuck into the playoffs that year (needing and getting a Detroit win over Dallas and a San Francisco win over Denver, in addition to their own win), and they played like a team that didn't belong. That day was an embarrassment, and in a lot of ways I'm still getting over it.

Happily, I took a big step in the right direction yesterday when I watched (yes, watched) the Buffalo Bills host the Cleveland Browns in what has to be the worst football game ever played, on any level. Though the stats are agonizing (193 offensive yards for the winning Browns; sixteen combined punts; thirty percent combined third-down efficiency), it's this number that really stands out: two for seventeen. That's Derek Anderson's passing line. That's the winning quarterback. At this point, it's not just the NFL that wishes it could take back Anderson's 2008 Pro Bowl appearance. Hawaii itself is pissed off.

But hey, talk about a healing experience! Watching passes swirl in the wind, watching Jamal Lewis contribute meaningfully to a professional football team, I couldn't help but come a little closer to forgiving my Chiefs (though Herm Edwards can never be forgiven, that touchdown-hating bastard). Unless Trent Edwards' parents live in, say, Topeka, I may have been the only person outside of New York and Ohio who watched this game. Let me tell you, though. It was well worth it.

-GM

GM,

I've watched as much football as anybody over the last 10 years, and I've seen some horrible stuff. A high school game tied 0-0 at the end of regulation. An onside kick literally go backwards. I was present when Auburn beat Mississippi State 3-2 last year. It's always a little funnier when it happens in the NFL, though. After all, these guys are getting paid heftily to entertain us. Ironically, to the fans who know the league best, there's a large entertainment value to total incompetence. And let's not pretend yesterday's Bills/Browns showdown was some sort of defensive exhibition. It takes skill, timing, and chemistry to make an offense work--more so than for a defense--and neither of these teams have any of those attributes.

Personally, I had to decide if I wanted to dedicate my space today to telling you why Alabama deserved to jump Texas in both polls (obvious, although the coaches stubbornly kept Texas at No. 2), discussing the Denver Broncos' 5-0 start (unfathomable), or filling today's section with more embarrassment from the NFL (what I'll actually do). Get ready for the most amazing QB statistics you've ever seen in your life. They belong to JaMarcus Russell... through five games, all of which he's started.

51-for-121 (42 percent), 606 yards, 4 interceptions, 1 touchdown

Yet he and his 47.1 QB rating continue to take the field every week. Do you remember when this guy signed? He took forever to do so, holding out for more money while we rolled our eyes knowing he'd be a huge bust. On the field, he looks clueless, overweight, and apathetic. Nothing about him says "NFL quarterback." Everything says "Raider."

Yesterday against the Giants, Russell had (by far) his best game of the season statistically. He was 8-for-13 with no interceptions. Think about this, though. The Raiders were down 28-0 in the second quarter, and Russell threw only 13 passes?! The way I see it, that's Tom Cable making a statement to Al Davis:

"We will never come from behind with this guy under center, so let me play a real quarterback, or this is what you'll see--a losing team milking the clock with predictable running plays."

From the owner to the coaching staff to the face of the franchise to the fans, the Raiders are a joke. Hey, at least it's a funny one. I once flew to Miami to watch the Dolphins beat the Raiders the year Oakland went to the Super Bowl. As I walked through the airport afterward, I noticed that the dejected fans continued to wear their gear for the returning flight! Imagine these guys moping down a terminal.

-JW