Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Homelessness: A Smarter Look at the Last Social Cohort We Haven't Yet Insulted

GM,

Walking through the downtown streets yesterday evening, I was approached by two homeless gentlemen, the first of which--an unkempt white man--successfully drained me of my change. This was an unlucky break for the second guy, although I must say he seemed to be in better shape. It was sprinkling, and he had a windbreaker and an umbrella, plus his attitude was about as dynamic as a sorority girl's the night of a themed social. I truthfully told him I was out of cash, to which he replied, "I know how it is, brother." Then his cell phone rang.

I'm no authority on personal finances, but do homeless people really need cell phones. You're a homeowner, GM, and you don't even have a cell phone! And if homeless people are to buy cell phones, shouldn't they turn them on silent while begging? A guy from New York once told me that many of the beggars there aren't even homeless--that they wake up in their downtown lofts, walk to a busy spot, and make $200-300 tax-free dollars a day before returning home. If that's true, perhaps panhandling should be more highly prioritized when making career choices.

I have mixed views on the homeless. There are stories of triumph, stories of gloom, and stories that flat-out prove the theory that it's mostly the result of laziness. I think the proper outlook is this: There will be losers in any capitalist society, but to be a complete loser in this capitalist society, you have to be pretty damn lazy.

Got any stories for me?

-JW

JW,

I keep waiting for the Obama administration to make a policy announcement that goes something like this: "We need to encourage home sales, we don't like homelessness, and we're totally comfortable printing money that's backed up by nothing. From now on, every homeless person in America gets a free house."

But seriously, I love the homeless! From whom else can you hear stories like "My wife was kidnapped and I'm two bucks short of the ransom" (actually heard), "Today's National Homeless Day and the city is matching all contributions" (actually heard), and "I know I look twenty years older than you, but I'm actually your illegitimate child" (okay, I made that one up)? Without homelessness, my already low self-esteem would be totally shot to hell. After all, I often go days at a time without eating garbage, groveling, or being outside. Why shouldn't my obvious superiority make me feel great?

I wonder, by the way, if that wasn't the mindset of the guy featured in your last link--the guy who started out with $25 and the clothes on his back and worked his way toward an apartment and some modest savings. Sure, he had some philosophical questions about the feasability of the American Dream, but he also wanted the ego boost (not to mention the royalties from his inevitable New York Times bestseller). Yeah, he was interested in an adventure, but the real truth is that feigning homelessness was the best-paying job his bachelors-degreed ass could find.

The deeper truth, of course, is that nothing anyone says or does will ever put an end to homelessness, poverty, racism, income inequality, or the tendency of Americans to make meaningless, guilt-induced gestures. As long as that's the case, I don't mind that your cell-phone carrying buddy is making a profit.

-GM

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