I Wanted the NFL. I WENT to the NFL. And the NFL Sucked.

JW,

Last night, those of us (un)lucky enough to get the NFL Network witnessed one of the all-time lousy performances by a quarterback. Five interceptions, zero touchdowns, seventeen completely unwarranted sneers and sniffles, and one entirely avoidable loss. Cutler's play was so bad that I considered the alternate titles "Cutler: An Evisceration" and "Cutler: Stop Throwing Picks, You Weak-Chinned Bitch" before settling on what you just read. And while I'm sure that the coming weeks will give us some tempting lines, I'm ready to declare that I will never, ever wager on #6 again.

The really perverse thing, when you think about it, is that the general level of excitement for Chicago's season as recently as two months ago was notably higher than it was for Denver's. Kyle Orton was a career backup--a guy who couldn't take Rex Grossman's job, for heaven's sake--and Cutler was the Pro Bowler ready to break out on a team that wanted him. (A side note: Enough with the Cutler Pro Bowl thing. Not since Zack, Slater, and Screech spent an eight-episode arc in Maui has so much been made over one trip to Hawaii.) Now? Orton's the ultimate game manager and the guy who helped bring Brandon Marshall back into the fold. Denver wouldn't trade Orton back to Chicago for a deal twice as good as the original, and Cutler's heading for numbers that would get Jake Delhomme benched. (According to Wikipedia, Cutler does volunteer work with mentally challenged young people. And copies their throwing motions, apparently.)

Strangely enough, though, I found myself believing that Cutler would pull off the win last night even while knowing everything I just wrote. When he marched the Bears down the field at the end of the fourth quarter (Perhaps "marched" is the wrong word--we haven't seen a two-minute drill this ugly since the last time JaMarcus Russell went three-and-out against his practice squad), I allowed myself to hope that he'd make a miracle happen. I was actually a bit surprised when he threw that final pick.

JW, I'm going out on a limb and guessing you didn't watch this disaster of a football game. Any sports related idiocy you'd like to talk about?

-GM

GM,

Honestly, no.

I have, however, recently come across some information that completely shook the foundation of my mentality! (It surprised me.)

1. The Colts' coach is black?! I was sure it was this guy! I remember some ESPN guys talking about how they had been planning on promoting him as soon as Dungy retired, and I've seen that guy (offensive coordinator Tom Moore) on the sidelines many times. Turns out it's Jim Caldwell who's the head man in Indy--well, behind Peyton, of course.

2. Adam Morrison plays for the Lakers?! OK, it didn't surprise me that the Bobcats wanted to get rid of this schmohawk, but why would the Lakers sign him?! He's a 37-percent career shooter whose only strength is shooting!

3. Twenty-year-old Corey Zickefoose said that the three Tennessee football players who allegedly (shouldn't he know?) held him at gunpoint should remain on the football team and that he has no plans to press charges. He's such a UT fan that he only wants what's best for the team! I don't want to insult a recently traumatized die-hard fan, but he should revisit his list of priorities.

4. Lou Holtz's entire gimmick (assuming it's not having distracting dentures) is being the biggest homer on the planet. He picked his two former teams (Notre Dame and South Carolina) to upset No. 12 Pittsburgh and No. 1 Florida this weekend. What's the point of even watching the ESPN "experts" predict if they're going to be like that?

-JW