GM,
I was watching TV last night, and I saw a show that had a little of everything: emotion, shouting, awkward moments, a live studio audience, a rational and understanding host, and some black guy from Mississippi. At one point, the crowd starting chanting, “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” Of course, I was watching Homecoming, the new ESPN show hosted by Rick Reilly, and Jerry Rice was the guest of honor. Were you expecting something else?
I’m pretty sure ESPN has assembled an entire team dedicated to deciding how to fill programming after the NBA playoffs come to an end. Title Town USA, Who’s Now?, My Wish, 50 States in 50 Days—these are all gimmicks that ESPN uses to try to keep ratings high when baseball and poker are the only competitions that could possibly be worth watching. If I only knew the number of any of my channels besides ESPN, ESPN2, and Comedy Central, I’d give something else a try.
You would think that the world’s sports leader could come up with something better to get us through the two months of angst before football season. For us, however, the challenge is to think of something worse than the aforementioned snoozer segments.
How about Almost Relevant: an inside look at all the runners-up in unpopular sporting events who were devastatingly close to becoming a blurb on SportsCenter. “Have you heard of Marwa Moustafa? Didn’t think so. She was one solid hit away from clinching the Women’s World Golf Croquet championship in 2007, and her life has been heartache ever since.”
Personally, my biggest thrill would come from watching Cold Pizza/First Take lowlights consisting of one of those top-25 countdowns for “Dumbest interview questions asked by Dana Jacobson and Jay Crawford.” Considering her propensity to deeply offend Christians and his to allegedly sexually harass makeup artists, shouldn’t they have talent to offset the cons?!
Can you think of any killer segments?
-JW
JW,
How about This Week in Slow Motion (alternate title, Frame By Frame)? If we're aiming for the gutter, I can't think of a better starting point than the most loathsome development in sports since Joe Buck. Picture this: Erik Kuselias and Dan LeBatard attempting to fill air time while unforced tennis errors and wild pitches drag to forty-five seconds each.
Actually, I think I'd watch that.
Perhaps the bigger issue here is the coordination of the worst part of the sports calendar with the least tolerable months of the Southern year. It's one hundred degrees outside, the folds of my gut have created a suction effect, and the only thing on television is people talking about first-half baseball. If it weren't for the British Open this weekend, I'd be considering a crime spree.
Speaking of which, how about a segment devoted to Places in Sports You'd Rather Be Right Now? First we see the pastoral dunes of Turnberry, followed by the view from my living room window—Hiroshima circa 1945, but hotter. I love the idea of living vicariously through ESPN's camera crew, and as long as they're willing to turn on the sprinklers, any number of ballparks could be featured.
Just think: The final shot could be the lovely halls of 935 Middle St., Bristol, where athletes roam free like so many Serengeti antelopes, and the swimming pools are icy cold. What else could scratch that self-mythologizing itch that's so troubled ESPN lo these many years? What else could remind us that NL-only Fantasy Baseball coverage is over when they say it's over?
Come on, SportsNation. Let's demand it.
-GM
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