People! They're the Worst!

GM,

Today's edition is just about people--people who are very different from myself, mind you. There is no greater feeling of accomplishment than knowing you've pegged a person. On the rare occasions that I accurately understand the mentality of another person, I consider it an enormous moral victory. Let the stories begin.

STORY 1: On the road yesterday for work, I stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom. As I was walking from my car to the building, I noticed that a mildly obese woman was heading toward it from a different angle. I quickly realized I was moving much faster than she was and that I had a decision to make: "Should I hold the door open for this stranger who is clearly in no hurry to get there?" I decided to be a gentleman and hold it, but when I looked back to see how close she was, she was taking a breather! Again, this woman was mildly obese, not gargantuan. To me, the sight of a 200-pound woman bent over, struggling to breathe, in the middle of a 50-feet walk was perplexing.

STORY 2: I saw an Alabama McDonald's advertise an "Eg McMuffin" on the marquee. Did they lose the letter, or is that a subtle clue that what they're serving didn't come from a chicken at all?

STORY 3: For the second time this year, someone cut me off in traffic to the point of almost causing a wreck, and they promptly gave me the finger! I didn't even react poorly. I didn't have time to! Was this a preemptive maneuver? "Yeah, you're not gonna like that, bitch! And don't bother getting upset, 'cause here's what I got for ya!" Strangely enough, I told a friend about it, and he said the same thing has happened to him! Are they picking on us for driving Hondas???

-JW

JW,

Don't get me started on slow walkers. I lived for a few years in New York City, and while Chinatown was one of my favorite neighborhoods, I learned very quickly that extra time had to be allotted when visiting. Why? Because Chinese people have entered into a pact with one another to do the following things:

1) walk at less than half the speed of other races;

2) move in whatever the exact opposite of single file is.

As you know, the politics of passing people (your cutter-offer and finger-giver notwithstanding) are delicate at best. Hesitant to leave the sidewalk in favor of the busy street but unwilling to bust through the three inches of space between the walkers, I found myself enacting a parody of slow-walking just behind them, practically raising my knees to my chin at each step! Did I get some funny looks? Sure, but nothing compared the guy in the Kim Jong-Il T-shirt.

Sadly, walking too quickly has its consequences, as well. Like you, I sometimes hold doors for members of the opposite sex. I was doing so once at the top of a stairwell when the senior citizen to whom I was extending the courtesy ran to catch up with me. I suppose she didn't want to slow me down--after all, I'd already been standing there for two seconds. As she bounded forth, her feet abandoned her, and she fell to the stairs beneath. Hard. And then she slid halfway to the next landing.

The lesson, I think, is that politeness is passive-agressive at best, downright harmful at worst. Your guy on the road had the right idea.

-GM