Making Our Wishes

GM,

Since 1990, there has been only one occurrence that I've dreamed about at the beginning of every season--the Dolphins winning the SuperBowl. Well, over the last decade, I've fantasized about the Patriots going 2-14, but even Tom Brady's lost season couldn't make that happen. During down years for Miami, it's the stories of controversy, betrayal, criminality, stupidity, and excess media zeal ("overzealousness" isn't a word) that keep me going. Since this may be one of those seasons, here's what I would love to see this wonderfully promising year.

1. Feuds between Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick, Terrell Owens and Trent Edwards, Terrell Owens and the coaching staff, Brian Urlacher and Jake Plummer, Tom Cable and the rest of the Raiders' staff, Tom Cable and Al Davis, Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips, and Brett Favre and the whole Vikings team.

2. Pansy, QB-protecting calls affecting the outcome of so many games that the league has to reconsider its rules.

3. Every sudden death only consisting of one possession so that the league has to reconsider its overtime policy. (In 2002, my Dolphins missed the playoffs because they were one of 11 teams that played an overtime game without seeing the ball. There were only 26 OT games that year. If 42 percent of your overtimes are completely one-sided, isn't it time to adjust?)

4. A 7-9 Chargers team hosting a playoff game so that the league has to reconsider its playoff structure.

5. The Cincinnati Bengals winning fewer than seven games. I don't know why... it's just very important to me.

-JW

JW,

I was sure your "betrayal" link was going to take me to footage of Peyton Manning bitch-slapping Tony Dungy during a team meeting. So I'm disappointed. Big time.

Still, I like your list, and I'll second your complaint about NFL overtimes. Sure, they're exciting, but so is your first prison shower. So is trying to escape from a concentration camp. Buffalo's ridiculous playoff comeback against the Houston Oilers back in '93 was exciting as hell, but Oilers fans probably could have done without it.

That said, here's my own 2009 wish list.

1) John Madden guest-announces Green Bay at Minnesota on October 5th. Brett Favre refuses the start because he's "too tired."

2) New evidence is found in the Ray Lewis case. Ray and Plaxico Burress arrange to serve their sentences as cellmates. A reality show chronicles their adventures.

3) Mike Tomlin's attempt to chest-bump a player is met with stony silence and a shaking head.

4) The Dallas Cowboys play a terrible first half in week one of the playoffs. Jerry Jones takes over for Wade Phillips at halftime and leads the Cowboys to a defeat even more shameful than anticipated.

5) Eli Manning cries during a game. Archie arranges to have him traded.

We're mere hours away, so I'll stop there. I can't remember the last time I was this excited!

-GM