Tiger Woods, We're Pretty Sure Your Wife Beats You

GM,

Kim Miller's 15 minutes of fame were as much about her as the Pistons' 2004 championship was about Darko Milicic. The nation was watching as Miller, on behalf of the Florida Highway Patrol, said in a press conference that Tiger Woods would be charged with careless driving and nothing else. Her follow-up rant about the dangers of careless driving was humorous, and it grieves me that I can't find it online. But check out this bit of breaking news--in the form of a quote from tigerwoods.com.

"I have let my family down, and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart."

Whoah! I wasn't personally ready to believe that no alcohol, affairs, or domestic disputes were involved in recent events, but many of Tiger's fans still were. Yet he led his statement with the above sentence. Now, anyone who believed he just happened to wreck his car twice at 2 in the morning can no longer do so. After several days of absolutely nothing, he's given us too much! I don't think it's an accident either.

I know you don't like Tiger, GM, and I can understand how he bothers you as a golfer. I can understand, too, how his attitude toward his adoring fans and putts that lip out could use some improvement. But the guy just admitted that he's made some mistakes in his personal life, and if you're Tiger Woods, "some" isn't nearly as many as you could make. I'm not saying we should congratulate the man, but he has surprised me by doing something that few athletes would do. That is, of course, unless there's more dirt under the rug that he knows will soon come out. Thoughts?

-JW

JW,

Who says I don't like Tiger Woods? Sure, he's joyless, robotic, pouty, uncharismatic, and famous largely for being "black," but that doesn't mean I don't like the guy. If I disliked him, I'd be jumping in the air in celebration of today's news that Tiger is planning to pay his wife to stay married to him ($5 million in cash and a generous revision of the pre-nup at last count). Instead, I'm doing quiet fist pumps at home while toasting Elin with Swedish vodka. Reports of my hatred have been greatly exaggerated.

As, it seems, have reports of Tiger's squareness. A 2002 column by ESPN's Bill Simmons lamented the fact that Tiger was once seen playing craps at a measly $25 a toss. We now know that he was probably being felated under the table by two cocktail waitresses. Throw in the fact that Phil and Amy Mickelson are notorious swingers, according to rumor, and we may have to rethink the entire golf world. (What's next? Fred Funk whacks 200-yard drive? John Daly makes charitable contribution?)

As to the Woods story, it's fairly obvious what happened if you're willing to put two and two together. Elin found out about Tiger's affairs, she beat the crap out of him, and he staged a car wreck to explain his injuries. The fact that the wreck was low-speed is evidence that Tiger's a p---y. The fact that Elin used a golf club to pry Tiger from the car is evidence that God likes irony. Frankly, I couldn't be happier!

So what's next for Woods? I predict a furious display of golfing at the Masters that falls just short of a fifth green jacket. Tiger still loses far more often than he wins, thank goodness, and a big win in Augusta would be far too predictable (and predicted) to actually happen. The only question is whether or not Elin will console him on the 18th green. I say yes. Clearly, the price is right.

-GM