Welcome to the S-per B-wl

Editor's Note: Things are slowing down as we get ready to launch a new site. (That's right, Blogger. We're leaving your bug-ridden ass behind!) In the meantime, enjoy this piece from last year's Super Bowl.

Driving around town last week, killing the seemingly endless span between conference championships and the real deal, I stumbled upon a series of bizarre radio spots that will have the savvier among you nodding along. Ad after ad seemed to be avoiding some rather obvious words—calling patrons to celebrations of such oddities as the “Pigskin World Championship,” the “Great Winter Athletic Tradition,” and (a particularly sad case) “Professional Football’s Culminating Event.” A quick search of “national football league” and “intangible property” revealed the reason. The NFL, terrified that its fans will assume league approval of Trailer Joe’s Dollar Beer Night, forbids the use in advertising of a whole list of football-related terms. Above all, I learned, the championship itself must never be named, and though I’m proceeding under the guise of journalism (though please check out our sponsors!), let’s not kid ourselves. For the likes of us, this is the S-per B-wl!

So why my fixation on marketing? Because, with Miller High Life’s decision to air a series of one-second ads throughout the Super Bowl (high lives apparently being short lives), advertising has officially reached rock bottom. After all, Miller’s decision can only be interpreted in one of two ways. Either they’ve decided that it only takes one second to convince football fans to drink beer or they’ve finally calculated the average American attention span. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or applaud the science!

Perversely, America’s obsession with commercials continues unabated. An informal poll of myself and several women I happened to be in the room with revealed that 80% of Americans are more excited about the ads than the game itself. Sobe, flush from marking up water, has seized the moment with one of the first ever 3-D advertisements. And while I’d like to cite the absurdity of the scheme, the aforementioned poll revealed also that many people purchased 3-D glasses just for the event. As with all cultural milestones, rumors abound. NBC, hapless to the end, is said to have rejected PETA’s naked-girls-with-vegetables spot before accepting a censored version (though I never saw it). 30-second rates are at their highest ever (3 million over last year’s 2.7) if press releases are to be believed, and though FedEx and General Motors opted out of the insanity, the evening passed with no dead air. As always, the commercials themselves were frighteningly, inexplicably loud. Timeouts had me scurrying for the volume button faster than you could say “Big Ben,” and in many cases, I’m still not sure exactly what I’m supposed to buy. It’s been said before, but this really is why the terrorists hate us.

Why, then, should the evening have passed without the composition of yet another American invention—the Top Ten list! What follows is the ten most obnoxious, most distracting commercials of the 2009 B-wl. Starting at ten and counting down, these are the year’s real champions.

10. The Ad Council’s “Disturbing Pimple”

You had to be paying attention for this one. A high school steroid user’s pimple morphs into a large red asterisk. Both physically revolting and ethically confused—steroids will affect your place in the high school record books!—this spot just beats The Scarlet Letter for best use of a physical deformity to suggest moral culpability.

9. State Farm’s “The LeBron Browns”

Yeah, it’s not new, but it kills me every time, if only because you know he’s got a Jets cap on underneath that helmet. Like you, I don’t know any Browns fans, but I’m pretty sure they’re tired of the tease. Between this and the pre-game chalk clouds (still not old?), LeBron is quickly becoming the most annoying NBA player alive. And friends, that’s saying something.

8. Columbia Pictures’ “Angels and Demons”

Until the very end, I was almost certain that this couldn’t be real. I mean, who saw The Da Vinci Code? What on earth could possibly justify a sequel? And what’s Tom Hanks done for me lately? Given the laughable dialogue and production values in the trailer, why shouldn’t this be a farce? We saw Scary Movie. We sat through Superhero Movie. I just assumed that Hanks was slumming in DaVinci Movie. A quick IMDB search of Hanks’ last few films suggests that this isn’t outside the realm of possibility.

A tough omission here was Jack Black’s The Year One. Though unworthy of its own slot, it gets serious props for looking equally ridiculous. Note to Michael Cera: Black’s career is probably not the one you want to emulate.

7. Doritos’ “Crystal Ball / Crotch”

What’s Doritos’ fascination with projectiles? A few years ago it was Ali Landry swallowing chips shot from a washing machine. Now it’s a crystal ball hurled at a vending machine (resulting, strangely, in the theft of Doritos) and later at some guy’s crotch. Of course, this is nothing compared to #6.

6. Doritos’ “Cop Killer”

That’s right. Doritos is dominating tonight. In this instant classic, Doritos are responsible for a woman’s clothes flying off, an ATM spewing money, and a cop getting murdered in cold blood. (All right, he turns into a squirrel or something, but he’s still in bad shape.) As if aware of our moral outrage, Doritos proceeds to run its hero over with a bus. I understand that asking commercials to make sense is like Xerxes whipping the ocean for disobeying him, but this is ridiculous.

On a separate note, Cheetos seems to be stealing the wish-fulfillment theme, so maybe it’s just a Frito-Lay thing. In their spot, eating chips also harms one’s enemies, this time presumably covering a snooty woman with pigeon crap.

5. GoDaddy.com’s “Shower Scene”

Lowest Common Denominator advertising at its finest, this ad consists almost entirely of girls showering. Unbelievably, GoDaddy concludes by directing us to their website, where—that’s right, boys—the content is unrated.

But here’s the thing. Since we’re dealing with the Internet here, aren’t the folks at GoDaddy.com concerned that potential customers will get distracted by actual porn on their way to the site? And is the promise of porn really supposed to make us purchase domain names? Furthermore (and I only watched it so you wouldn’t have to), the “unrated” content is no different than the original. Granted, I watched with the volume off, but still.

4. Castrol Edge’s “Bestiality”

I’ll admit to missing most of this one, but I looked up just in time to see a man kissing a monkey. Rather passionately. Perhaps you saw more and are now rushing out to buy motor oil. Good luck, and I salute you.

3. Hyundai’s “Yelling and Pronunciation”

Going into tonight, I was looking forward to hearing a Bruce Springsteen song from start to finish for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, this charming spot ruined my dream by deafening me, perhaps permanently. Made up largely of people of various nationalities screaming, this commercial concluded by reminding us that Hyundai rhymes with “Sunday.” Who was mispronouncing it? And what were they saying? Hoon-day? Hine-day? Folks, if your brand management guys are still working on pronunciation, you may not be ready to drop three mil on a commercial.

2. Dreamworks’ “Monsters vs. Aliens”; Sobe’s “Gay Fantasia”; & NBC’s “Chuck”

The 3-D spots count as one, and if there’s a more bankrupt device in entertainment, I don’t know about it. Seriously, what is so thrilling about the impression that things are being flung at you from the screen? Is it the hint of danger? The pleasure of ducking? And what are we supposed to do with our glasses once we’re finished? Store them until next year?

Misguided though they may be, at least the ads for Monsters vs. Aliens and “Chuck” have a built-in audience. Sadly, I can’t say the same thing for Sobe. I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to react to ballet dancers (please tell me those weren’t real NFL players) dancing around on a white stage, wearing white, and occasionally interacting with bizarrely white footballs. I lost track of the plot, but at some point a lizard was flung at the screen (and presumably at me, had I been wearing my goggles). I understand that flavored water is a tough sell, but let’s see what some new writers can do.

1. CareerBuilder.com’s “If You’ve Ever”

Another ear-buster, this may be the worst, most annoying commercial I’ve ever seen. Repetitive and seemingly endless, this spot subjects us to seven clips of a woman screaming, six clips of an inane insult, five clips of a woman riding a dolphin, four clips of a man crying loudly, three clips of a koala being punched, two clips of a truly hideous Speedo crotch-shot, and one clip of Mr. Eko from Lost drinking a glass of gold. Five seconds into it I was suffering. Fifteen in I was in hell. Twenty-five in I smashed my television with Doritos. CareerBuilder could offer me the presidency and I’m not taking it. A terrible, terrible ad!

So there it is. The worst of the worst, and I only missed the greatest S-per B-wl of my lifetime to chronicle it. Just remember that while you’re shopping.

Finally, and I know it’s not a commercial, but honorable mention goes to Faith Hill and the Post-Racial Gospel Choir, complete with sign language interpreter. Nothing says football like political symbolism, and folks, if I wasn’t sold on America before, I certainly am now!