Monday, November 9, 2009

Hasan Was a Terrorist, Dammit. We Refuse to Stop Saying So.

JW,

When I came across this article on MSN.com (via MSNBC.com and first appearing in the New York Times--and they say the Right is well-organized), I was immediately drawn to its title: Muslims at Fort Hood voice outrage. My first thought (well, my first thought after "outraged Muslims = bad news for commercial airline passengers") was that the outrage in question had to be directed toward murderer and obvious terrorist Nidal Malik Hasan. Right? It couldn't possibly be directed at the army, the West, or any other jihad-inducing Straw Man. Could it?

In fact, the article's first paragraph seems to lean in the direction of reasonableness. "Leaders of the vibrant Muslim community here," we read, "expressed outrage on Friday at the shooting rampage being laid to one of their members, Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, who had become a regular attendee of prayers at the local mosque."

I could do without "vibrant"--a word used solely by white liberals to describe communities of color--but this is good stuff, right? It's exactly what we want to hear from the Muslim community right now. The problem occurs with the article's first two quotes. I'll let you decide if they sufficiently fulfill the first graph's promises.

"When a white guy shoots up a post office, they call that going postal," said Victor Benjamin II, 30, a former member of the Army. "But when a Muslim does it, they call it jihad."

. . . and . . .

"Ultimately it was Brother Nidal’s doing, but the command should be held accountable," Mr. Benjamin said.

Some outrage.

As you can imagine, the rest of the article is more of the same. Muslims fear retribution; Muslims have always "lived peacefully" with their Christian neighbors. All the way down in paragraph eleven, we get some decent condemnation ("The Islamic community strongly condemns this cowardly attack, which was particularly heinous in that it was directed at the all-volunteer army that protects our nation."), but the general thrust of the article has little to do with Hasan's actions and much to do with Islam's perceived grievances.

Looking again at the first paragraph, in fact, I can't help wondering what the phrase "being laid to" is all about. It's syntactically unfamiliar--unidiomatic, even--and it reads very much like "being blamed on." It wouldn't be a problem if we were dealing with a situation in which blame was at all negotiable, but Hasan clearly shot those people. He was himself shot while doing so. The idea--a mere rhetorical seed, but a potent one--that, looking around for some place to lay blame, we settled on a Muslim is an absurdity. This is the guy! He did it!

Nevertheless, the "coverage" of the shootings has been dominated by breathless concern for soldiers' breaking points (try here and here for two examples among many), as if Hasan is in any way the moral or factual equivalent of actual veterans (he never saw combat) returning from actual wars (he was never deployed).

Of course, that's nothing compared to the morally bankrupt ending of our original article:

"[Muslims] do have the right to retaliate," [Victor Benjamin] said, "but he who does not is twice blessed."

Chilling.

-GM

GM,

According to the article, yes, the outrage was directed toward Hasan with a very quick "but" to follow. The fact that a guy named Victor Benjamin II is sharing in their sentiment--that Hasan's action may be a product of extreme burnout or trauma--would seem strange to me if I didn't already know so many Americans who seek to apologize for everyone else first. I realize that people can't be expected to produce off-the-cuff statements that completely reflect their actual views, but I would like to explore this Benjamin quote simply because it seems so misguided:

“G.I.’s are like any equipment in the Army. When it breaks, those who were in charge of keeping it fit should be held responsible for it.”

I've heard some poor analogies in my time, but this one belongs on the short list. If a tank or helicopter breaks, it doesn't go on a killing spree. You also usually know when it's broken. Hasan's homicidal demeanor probably wasn't as easy to detect. Is Benjamin suggesting that the military is somehow responsible for knowing the psychological state of its entire personnel? Should we really spend more tax dollars on Army psychiatrists, especially considering that Hasan was just that?! It seems like the easier solution would be to make it clear on the front end that killing sprees are frowned upon. After all, if it was just a matter of "going postal," then Hasan's urges could have been prevented with a little therapy, maybe some morale-boosting videos or messages of caution. But, of course, if the guy who attended church at the same Virginia mosque as two 9/11 hijackers happened to be acting on religious beliefs, maybe we shouldn't let those types of people into the military. Here in America, though, even practical "discrimination" is an ugly word.

-JW

JW,

I'm writing a one-time-only follow-up due to your suggestion that "If a tank or helicopter breaks, it doesn't go on a killing spree. You also usually know when it's broken."

In fact, the Times reported today, U.S. Intelligence Agencies (no doubt crippled by Obama's Don't Make Muslims Look Bad policies) did know that Hasan was broken. They intercepted communications between him and Anwar al-Awlaki, a radical American cleric who has already praised Hasan's attacks, and they did nothing.

But hey, it's a big army. Maybe the CIA thought Hasan was talking to the guy undercover.

-GM

Friday, November 6, 2009

Mean Girls, Mean Boy

GM,

It occurred to me this morning that we don't discuss women enough and that we've never given any attention to soccer. New Mexico junior defender Elizabeth Lambert has given us reason to touch on both. Thanks to play so unsportsmanlike that ESPN gave it 90 seconds of highlights, Lambert will open the eyes of many to the unnecessary brutality of women's soccer. Hair-pull takedowns, kicks to the head, punches to the back--apparently all part of the game and not even worthy of an ejection in her case.

This type of behavior really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Take Rachel McAdams's character in Mean Girls--a movie liked by an astonishing number of guys and somehow tolerated by me. She's deceitful, manipulative, arrogant, conniving, and hyper-competitive. Attribute those characteristics to a butch college athlete (I don't care what her sexual orientation is; that chick is butch), and you could understand how she would play "with no regard for human life" (Kevin Harlan voice)!

I don't know what's so attractive about violence in our society. These UFC and MMA matches bore me worse than an August baseball game between the Royals and Orioles. I haven't been in a fight in well over a decade, and I'm thrilled about it. Who has the energy?! Even the winner of a fight comes out a little worse off than he was going in. Right, Tom Cable?

-JW

JW,

Speaking of Cable, it's not just assistant Randy Hanson who's been on the receiving end of his rage. Reports have been leaking in the last few days that Cable was also abusive to the women he dated (or all women if the title bar of this article is to be believed). My only question is whether or not Cable shouted "Allahu akbar" as he hit them. The Fort Hood gunman did (fast-forward to 3:20), and that's being equally underreported.

I'll be honest. If Smarter Than Y'all weren't such a great name, I'd be happy with Too Lazy For Violence. We've written before about MMA and its attendant silliness, but it's worth restating that only sociopaths (both functional and non-) can watch this s--t without getting sleepy. Women soccer players are biting each other's tits off? Of course they are! They saw it on TV!

I'll close with a warning and some mockery. The inevitable by-product of society's comfort with violence occurred yesterday. Nidal Hassan (nickname: I'm Obviously a Terrorist) may have been evil, but he wasn't an evil genius. He got his plan the same place they all do: every video game, movie, and television program released in the last decade.

Too bad he couldn't have been satisfied with Mean Girls.

-GM

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

An Attack the San Antonio Spurs Probably Deserved

JW,

Like many sports fans, I find it difficult to pay attention to the NBA while football season is still in full swing. Teams are still finding themselves, the best players aren't really trying, Shaq is still seventy games away from playing himself into shape, and individual wins and losses mean relatively little. Truth be told, I can think of only three reasons why an NBA fan would start paying attention before January:

1) You're a Wizards fan and you want to see Gilbert Arenas play a few games before his inevitable season-ending injury;

2) You're a Grizzlies fan and you enjoy the annual season-opening 0-10 streak;

3) You're a compulsive gambler, to the extent that you're willing to bet on the NBA (!) before anyone really knows anything (!!).

That's it.

Sadly, though, this perfectly reasonable attitude has its consequences--namely, you risk missing moments like this one, in which San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili killed a bat with his bare hands, midgame. Let me repeat that. A bat was flying around the arena annoying people, and Ginobili killed it with his bare hands! I don't know what's more impressive: Ginobili's perfect swing or the fact that he got an arena attendant (or just a random fan???) to take the bat from him without gloves. Yikes.

Tempting though it is to use the scene as a metaphor (Ginobili is Maine voters, the bat is gay marriage; Ginobili is Christopher Christie and Robert McDonnell, the bat is Obama's chances to hold the House next year.), I'm going to refrain from doing so. No, the bat-killing refers only to itself. It's the pure thing, the real deal. This, I'm ready to declare, is why the regular season still matters.

-GM

GM,

It had to be a tough international player who swatted that bat, and there aren't too many of those in the NBA. If you watch the video more closely, you'll see Tim Duncan clutching Gregg Popovich and shrieking. While Americans fear bats and the diseases they may carry, it turns out Argentina is riddled with the flying mammals. This leads me to my next point.

I showed the video to a more liberal friend of mine, and he immediately said, "I don't know if we should be killing bats; it's not like they're insects." Decent point on the surface, I suppose. I might not be so accepting of Manu if he had gone on a bat hunt with no intention of eating what he killed. Honestly, it wouldn't bother me at all, but Wikipedia just informed me that bats serve "vital ecological roles." Certainly, though, if a furry, flying creature enters an arena and threatens the peace of mind of thousands, it deserves to die.

Speaking of vital roles, I just received a phone call about a job I applied to yesterday. That's the first bad sign. No company that calls me back this quickly could be worth getting on with. Also, the fact that the job description started out like this was far from appealing:

If you are self-motivated (I'm not), have amazing people skills (I make at least one enemy per week) and pride yourself on hard work (Does anyone actually do that?!), you might be exactly who we are looking for.

Still, I answered Leslie's (real name) call. You know it's never a good thing when you find yourself saying, "I'm not trying to start an argument or anything." Apparently, one should refrain from telling an HR person that a job description is "vague"--just in case she's the one who wrote it.

-JW

Monday, November 2, 2009

SEC Field Trip: An Abbreviated History

JW,

It was around the middle of the third quarter that I realized the man sitting seven rows behind me in Neyland Stadium was no ordinary Vols fan. Picture the average cast member from HBO's Deadwood, then cross him with whatever comes to mind when you listen to Bob Dylan's version of "Moonshiner." Throw in some shockingly loud bellowing and you've got the general idea. Beginning in the first quarter but picking up steam as the night grew colder, this guy had a cross word for everyone. From Tennessee quarterback Jonathan Crompton ("How about some more picks, Johnny!"), to Steve Spurrier ("What now, Steve! What now!"), to an injured Gamecock fallen at midfield ("Get up, you p---y!"), no one was safe. And the voice! I tell you, UT's marching band would have been happy with its resonance.

It's safe to say, then, that my trip to east Tennessee was a successful one. A study in contrasts, Knoxville combines the remnants of pre-war industry with stunning foliage and a topography reminiscent at times of San Francisco's. Neyland itself sits right against the Tennessee River--Vols fans lean over the middle deck railings at halftime and sneak cigarettes--and between the factories in the distance and the boats moving upstream, I had myself convinced that it was 1900. The university's academic reputation is not what it should be, of course, but what other walk from downtown to a college stadium involves passing a statue of Sergei Rachmaninoff? That's got to count for something, right?

As for the game, I'm here to attest that your father's Steve Spurrier is no longer operational. "I'll be damned if I waste a scholarship on a kicker" has given way to "I'll be damned if I waste one on a non-slot receiver." Fun 'n' Gun has turned into Run 'n' Run . . . up the middle for no gain, and if I never see another three-yard dump over the middle on third and six, it'll be too soon. Even Vols fans, still smarting from the whole "You can't spell Citrus without UT" thing, seemed largely bored with the ol' ball coach, and the conversation in my section hinged more on Urban Meyer's inevitable odyssey to Notre Dame than on anything Spurrier was doing. A traditionalist and a holder of long grudges, I'll admit to being a little bit disappointed.

Still, you can't beat SEC football on a Saturday night. Neyland was shaking (literally and frighteningly), the band was on fire, and Tennessee's Halloween-themed uniforms had us giggling for most of the evening. All things considered, I defy you to tell me that Jacksonville was a better time.

-GM

GM,

It was a better time by typical young-adult standards--certainly not by ours. Your experience was the kind that leads to fond memories and clever blogging. Mine was the kind that leads to memory loss, credit-card loss, bank-account dwindling, cell-phone breakage, personal injury, shorter life expectancy, and perhaps unflattering new nicknames among peers. The crowd I run with these days is an intense one, and it's serious about "having a good time." I feel much too old to act so irresponsible, and I'm well below the average age! I knew I was in for a rough ride when I woke up at 9:30 the first morning to go for a run on the beach and was severely scolded by everyone for not already having a drink in my hand.

Truth be told, a larger portion of the "World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" happens in St. Simons Island, Georgia in the days surrounding the football game. UGA is actually given a one-day Fall Break the Friday before the game, so the typical formula includes cutting Thursday classes to make it down in time for three straight nights of activities that would make Jim Belushi's Animal House character blush. St. Simons serves as the UGA embassy; the entire campus has essentially been transported there for the weekend. What strikes me as amazing is the inability of some (my friends) to take advantage of the new setting.

Beach? Check.
Girls? Everywhere.
Alcohol? More than we could finish.
Weather? Gorgeous.
Condo security deposit? Decidedly insecure.

Somehow, the idea of paying for a cab to take us to some bars two miles off the coast won out. Overwhelmingly. Each night. From what I recall, Florida remains undefeated.

-JW

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

"Paranormal" Marketing

GM,

It's 2:30 in the morning, and I just finished watching Paranormal Activity... at home... alone... with the lights off.

A little boring, I must say.

It's clearly just another Blair Witch Project, which seemed to draw the scorn of most viewers I know. PA, on the other hand, has been quite the hot topic 'round these parts, so much so that even I heard about it. "Strange," I thought, considering that I'd never seen a preview. After minimal research, I learned that the movie's distribution and marketing strategies were quite unique. The film opened about a month ago but only for midnight showings and only in 12 major college towns. Those who didn't feel like making the drive were asked to log onto PA's website and "demand" the film in their city. When 200,000 people demanded the film, it was released in 20 more cities. When a million people demanded it, it opened nationwide.

This sounds like an amazingly interesting marketing campaign, doesn't it? "Don't push the product onto the people; make them want it first. After all, the American consumer is fickle, particularly when it comes to entertainment. Only by depriving people of a movie that cost $15,000 to make can we make them want to see it."

But here's my question: Why wasn't I asked to demand the damn thing?! Over a three-week period, more than a million people knew about, wanted to see, and took time to request a movie that I had never heard of. So what am I doing wrong?! I live in a college town and watch three hours of television every weekday! What's wrong with me?! I feel like George on Seinfeld when the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners didn't try to recruit him for their cult. GM, what are we doing--or not doing--to put ourselves out of the loop?

-JW

JW,

Let me start by saying that I like whatever I'm doing that keeps me from hearing of things. (I heard of Twitter yesterday; Facebook, last week.) Getting to the bottom of my pop-culture seclusion seems akin to wondering why I haven't been killed by a suicide bomber--an academic rather than a practical question, and one I'm not desperate to explore. Nevertheless, it is interesting that a person living amongst a movie's target audience could avoid picking up on the film's release merely by osmosis. Given what I've heard about Paranomal Activity's hostility toward its audience (Justine Elias of The Boston Globe wrote that it's "like watching a YouTube clip of your irritating neighbors."), I'm wondering if missing things is a skill that you can market.

Regarding the film's marketing idea, I couldn't be less impressed if a Paramount executive came to my house and kicked me in the crotch. Articifical scarcity? In the 21st century? Please. Furthermore, the very notion that consumers can be "tricked" into buying something is more than a little insulting. It's true, I'm sure, but I still don't like it. In a world of my design, commercials would consist of a simple shot of the product itself with no other adornments. No quick cuts, no girls in bikinis, and no Morgan Freeman doing his wisest-negro-on-the-plantation voiceover schtick. I'm interested or I'm not, and the very notion that I can be persuaded otherwise ("I am hungry for Fritos!") is ridiculous.

-GM